The Modern Myth of Monogamy

Since I obviously didn’t meet my goal of posting a blog post every day in May, I figured I would go ahead and at least talk about the last of my three “offensive” topics that I mentioned in an earlier post. I started off with religion, then talked about sexuality – to finish up I’m going to talk a little bit (which may turn into a lot) about monogamous relationships and the idea of romantic love.

Before I get started, I’d like to take a second and explain the title as somebody reading this may be thinking “monogamous isn’t a myth – people are monogamous all the time!” I’m not using the typical word association of myth here, but rather a secondary definition: “a popular belief or tradition that has grown up around something or someone.” I think most of us can agree that monogamy is a popular belief that grows up around most of us in society. Okay, with that in mind – let’s begin.

From a young age we’re taught very specific ideas about monogamy and romantic love – we’re taught to pair off with the idea of “boyfriend” and “girlfriend.” We’re taught to yearn for “The One” – that person that we’re supposed to spend the rest of our lives with. We’re taught things like marriage is sacred, that sex is something reserved to be shared with some special, that romance is important and the ultimate goal is to find somebody that will stand by you through thick and thin, and the two of you will go on to produce 2.5 children behind a white picket fence.

And when I say we’re taught that, I don’t mean that parents/teachers/mentors specifically say these things (although some do!). But rather that society as a whole sort of drip feeds this notion into our brains through seemingly insignificant means. Like romantic love triangles in movies/TV shows – who doesn’t love the conflict of Andie having to choose between Blane and Duckie? Why is the “will they or won’t they?” one of the biggest pulls of any procedural show with opposite gender leads? Romance novels where the man who is sculpted and perfect scoops the woman off her feet. Movies where the manic pixie dream girl is exactly what the nerdy, shy boy needs and they are whisked off into an adventure and fall madly in love. Action movies where the hero gets the girl in the end. Ads on TV showing nuclear families, couples sharing their first kiss, romantic getaways and shared experiences. Even religious texts (Adam and Eve, Joseph and Mary) beat you over the head with the idea of one man, one woman.

So what is it about monogamy that makes it so easy for a major part of modern civilization to just accept it as status quo? Well, it’s partly due to selfish nature and the ego boost. Before you call me cynical, hear me out. Most people in the world have a hard time coming to terms with their insignificance. The (sad) fact is, most everybody is going to live and die without making a significant impact on anything outside their own personal friends and family. People believe in religion because they want their lives to mean something – that there’s an eternity where we get rewards for being good and somebody out there will recognize what we’ve done. It’s one reason why people become doctors or join the Army or the Peace Corps – they want to feel like they’ve done something to affect the status quo.

And relationships are a huge part of finding that meaning. Everyone wants to be the most important person to somebody. Everyone wants to be thought about when they aren’t present. Relationships are a contract – where you become the most important person to somebody else, and they become the most important person to you. And with those feelings of importance comes an inherent jealousy – and some people have it stronger than others. People become possessive. Or the opposite happens – that feeling of importance starts going away and your attention wanders, hoping to find that special feeling of wanting with somebody else.

It’s also partly due to how we view sex as a culture. Sex is, in most cases, seen as something that’s supposed to be special. It’s supposed to be mindblowing, a shared experience like none other. And so one of the most important parts about monogamous relationships? Sex is only supposed to happen with the person you’re with. Because it’s special…and it’s important…and….well, is it?

Let’s take a step back. If somebody were to ask you what the main difference was between your best friend and your significant other, what would that difference be? (And I know some people are going to be snarky and say “Well, my significant other IS my best friend.” I get it, that’s great. But for sake of argument here, let’s go ahead and say your best friend that ISN’T your significant other. I know you have one. Jerk.) Well I’m gonna hazard a guess that the main difference is that you don’t see your best friend naked on a regular basis. (Or maybe you do, if you do that’s fantastic I suppose.) You probably spend a good chunk of time with your best friend, as well as your SO. You can probably talk to your best friend and your SO about anything. You probably know a lot of stories/secrets about your best friend and your SO. You probably have borrowed/shared possessions with your best friend. You may have even been housemates/roommates with your best friend at some point. But a distinctive factor that will always come into play when defining a “girlfriend/boyfriend” is the idea that the only physical relationship you’re having is with each other.

When does a relationship become “official”? Usually when both parties involved make an agreement that they’re only seeing each other – and in a monogamous relationship this always involves the physical aspect. We’re taught that the reward for devoting ourselves to a single person is that we’re the ones with sole access to their bodies. It’s why people have such an easy time watching porn, but have a hard time with saying they’d actually date a porn star. We get jealous when we see somebody flirting with someone that is “ours.” It’s my ball, only I get to play with it, don’t touch my ball!

It doesn’t help that all around us is the idea that romance and sex go hand in hand. Romantic gestures are supposed to lead to sex. People want to be swept off their feet. People want to be worked for, to be appreciated and to be shown that appreciation in tangible ways. Romance is rose petals on the bed, romance is classical music on the stereo, romance is candles and a scented bath, romance is your favorite dinner, romance is sweet poetry and a platitude of undying affection.

And above all, romance is only reserved for one person.

I love my parents equally. If somebody were to ask me to say which one I loved more, I would say I couldn’t choose because they’re both wonderful and I cherish both and can’t imagine my life without either of them. I love all my friends – put my friends all in a firing line and ask me to choose or ask me to rank them as best to worst and I’ll tell you to fuck off. I don’t have children, but I assume most (good) parents love all their children with the same amount of love. We’re not ever told we can only love one friend, or one parent, or one child. In fact, we’re not told we can only love one anything – food, books, TV shows, movies, places, whatever. You are allowed to have all sorts of feelings for any and all things.

Except romantic love.

No, for romantic love – that you’re only allowed to have with one person. You have to find The One that makes you feel special – that you can share the romantic love with for all eternity.

Why is that?

Stop for a minute and think. Why, exactly, are we not allowed to have romantic love for multiple people? For some, why do we even have to have romantic love at all? Friendship love is enough for some, isn’t it?

Where, exactly, is the law that says romantic love has to exist within you for one person and one person only?

I’ve been in romantic love multiple times. Sometimes staggered at different points in my life. Sometimes…with multiple people at the same time. I wasn’t in relationships with some (most) of them at the time, but it didn’t mean I didn’t have that feeling of love that only comes with caring about somebody more than anybody else and also wanting to see the hell out of them with their clothes off, and then also that little something extra that gives you butterflies every time they’re around or talking to you.

Statistics time: In the US in 2011, 19 out of every 1000 marriages ended in divorce. Currently in the US (in a 2015 article) 22 percent of women and 21 percent of men have been divorced at some point in their lives. It’s estimated that 30% to 60% of all married individuals will engage in infidelity during their marriage. And these are just statistics on marriage, not long-term and short-term relationships not involving marriages that break up every day.

Why are we so obsessed with monogamy? Why do we try so hard to make it work? I get that there are other factors at play – economically it’s easier to be with a partner and share income. Socially, you don’t want to be the single fifth wheel while all your friends are married/paired off with somebody. Sometimes people get into relationships just because they need to be in a relationship to function, though, and maybe, just maybe…we need to ease up on the whole “Finding that special someone makes life worth living” mentality.

I’m not saying monogamy doesn’t work or isn’t worth it. I have a lot of friends who are happy and in very, very successful monogamous relationships. My parents have been happily married for over 30 years. I’ve been in monogamous relationships and been absolutely fine with it – at the time. But I also have friends who are divorced, and other friends who struggle to find the right relationship. And maybe some of my friends who are in monogamous relationships are actually unhappy – I don’t know, they don’t talk to me about that stuff. I’m not a relationship counselor.

But what happens if, at the end of Pretty and Pink, Andie chooses both Blane and Duckie? What happens if three co-leads on a TV show all become romantically involved with each other and they’re all okay with it? What happens if four friends all decide to cohabitate together without any romance, but are okay with having a sexual relationship that only includes the four of them?

We’re taught that romance is one-and-done, and that makes everything black and white when in reality it’s shades of grey. A big example is kids. If you’re dating somebody and you want kids and your partner doesn’t, you’re basically expected to break up at some point. It’s too important a factor for you to continue dating. But does it mean you love the person you’re with any less? Does it hurt any less to say goodbye to somebody you truly care about when you could still be happy together in other ways?

People often view polyamorous relationships as simply about the sex – you don’t want to be tied down to just one person. And because of our views on sex, you’re viewed as a bad person if you’re not satisfied with being with just one person. You get called slut, or player, or manwhore, or just whore. But it’s not just about that – it is, however, a big limit on why people can’t understand or get behind it.

If you’re dating somebody, and that person loves…say, golf. And you hate golf. What happens if your SO goes out for a day golfing with their buddies? Are you jealous of the buddies? No! Because you don’t want to be out there golfing, you’re fine with your SO doing something they enjoy while you get some time to enjoy something you like that they don’t. But apply that to sex and hoo boy, people just can’t wrap their head around it. The stigma with long-term relationships and marriage is that you need to satisfy all the sexual needs of your partner. But what if you don’t like doing some stuff your partner is into? Or what if you’re into stuff your partner doesn’t particularly care for? Why couldn’t you share? Wouldn’t it be a better experience for everyone?

It goes back to the selfishness and ego of being in a relationship. You’re supposed to be the most important and you’re supposed to be the best and most satisfying lover. You’re supposed to be the best provider, or the best listener, or the best at cooking, or whatever.

But nobody’s perfect. And sometimes, quite frankly, that strain of trying to be perfect and be everything that your partner needs is what causes good relationships to break down.

The thing is, polyamorous relationships are not always about sex and gettin’ some strange. Sometimes people just genuinely and truly care about multiple people and don’t want to lose any of them from their lives. I once heard a story about a poly guy who broke down crying and had a horrible time after his girlfriend of over a year broke up with him, and his wife helped him through it. It wasn’t about the sex – it was true feelings. And it didn’t mean he loved his wife less than the girlfriend. It just meant he was capable of loving more than one person and felt comfortable sharing that love.

Now, I don’t live in a world of rainbows and sunshine and unicorns and sparkles. All relationships take work and effort. And let’s face it, if you’re trying multiple relationships, it’s going to take even more work. It’s not for everyone. Some people want that one love, that one person to spend the rest of their life with – and that’s fine. I’m not saying monogamy should be abolished and we should all live in a free hippie commune where everyone loves everybody and there’s naked pillow fights and fountains of hot chocolate (not at the same time, unless you’re into that I guess).

But monogamy doesn’t have to be the gold standard. Monogamy doesn’t have to be “normal” while any other sort of relationship or lack thereof is “abnormal.” It goes back to what I said about sexuality – don’t put yourself in a box. If you’ve been a serial monogamist and none of those relationships worked out for you – think about why, and maybe think about shifting your world view a tad. On the flip side – if you’ve spent your whole life avoiding monogamous relationships like the plague but feel empty inside, maybe think about an adjustment in your behavior.

I’d also like to add that an important aspect of any relationship is trust. It’s not a polyamorous relationship if only one person knows it’s polyamorous and the other person thinks it’s monogamous. That’s just called being a dick. I don’t like it and I don’t approve of cheaters or infidelity. Talking and communication is key – if you’re unhappy with the current status of your relationship, talk with your partner and figure out what’s wrong. Don’t think starting a new relationship behind your partner’s back is going to fix anything. It’s likely only going to make everything worse.

Sorry for the slight PSA there, got a little sidetracked. In fact, I’ve been going all over the place for a while here – I should probably wrap this up.

I’ll end with this. I, for a long time, believed in The One. I always thought that there was somebody out there who was my perfect match, who completed the puzzle and would make me happier than ever. I went through a lot of women who I thought were The One. (Funny how there was more than one The One, huh?) And I started to realize that none of these Ones that I found actually existed. Because I had projected what I expected from The One onto all these women, and in reality they were a completely different person.

And then I started thinking that maybe I should stop looking for The One, and just start looking for what felt right. And as soon as I did that, I felt like a much more complete person.

I still want to find someone and fall in love, get married, have kids and raise them to be good, accepting people. I’m not saying that I plan on having romantic love with multiple people at the same time. But maybe instead of finding The One, I find The Two instead. Who knows. We’ll see what happens, I guess.

Until then, there’s only one The One I believe in.